The Cypress and Jasmine...
[by Moin Ahsan Jazbi. Translated from the Urdu by Siyaah]
The cypress and jasmine, the waves of breeze at dawn- all are there;
O blossom, in your garden, is one of moist-eye there? [1]
Drink on for a while, in the shade of the tresses and visage;
The magic of dusk there is, the enchantment of dawn is there [2]
If the world listens, this tale of woe is lengthy indeed;
Yes if you listen, to this tale of woe- an end is there [3]
Now in the poetic world of Hind, Jazbi, after Jigar:
This I do wonder: an owner of such sight - is there? [4]
Translator's Notes
[1]Sarv: typically refers to Cypress trees, which were the first preference for gardens in Persia and remain so today; saman: shortened poetic version of yasaman i.e. jasmine; mauj: wave(s); naseem: breeze; sahar: dawn; chashm: eye; tar: wet/moist
[2]Kaakul: literally forelock (lock of hair falling on face) or topknot (style of doing hair by tying it into a high knot), by implication 'tresses' captures the expression somewhat in English; aariz: face/visage; fusoon: magic/enchantment
[3]mukhtasar: brief; taveel: lengthy
[4] Shayaraan-e-Hind: poetic world of Hind (Hind was/is commonly used in Persian and Urdu to refer to the Indian subcontinent; Saahib-nazar: Owner of sight/perspective- I translated it with the implication “such sight” but it could also be read as just “sight”, which would mean: after Jigar, none is left who can even be considered to have (“to own”) sight.
This was not an easy one: It took me some time to settle on the exact meaning and implication of some words and then re-creating the rhyme was not easy. I found it interesting to see the cultural and linguistic loan of "Sarv" (cypress tree) to Urdu in a region where such trees would not have been the norm. Look forward to thoughts and suggestions for improvement...
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6 comments:
That's a wonderful translation!
I sometimes wonder how you choose which poems to translate. Is it like, you like the poem and just take it up, or you also look up for the available translations and how good they (the translations) are? Or maybe, there are other considerations..
Thanks for the encouragement, Vik. I'm not sure how wonderful it is, but I do know it was tough to improve beyond this for now!
I've been wondering about how I choose these too- I think I just go with what I really like, but at some level I do avoid some work that has been translated well already: Ghalib and Faiz come to mind. Poets like Jigar, Jazbi, Firaq etc. have a lot that hasn't been well translated...
This is a good one Siyaah, and challenging too, since you've kept the ghazal form intact in translation.
I will just try and point to a couple of things, with the usual disclaimer that I'm no expert.
The cypress and jasmine, the waves of breeze at dawn- all are there;
O blossom, in your garden, is one of moist-eye there? [1]
I find the word 'all' superfluous. I don't think you need it. But then in the second line, I would like to insert 'in' to keep the rhythm alive. Of course, my above argument immediately returns to haunt me. So now I read [1] as,
"The cypress and jasmine, the waves of breeze at dawn are there;
O blossom, in your garden, is one with a moist-eye in there?"
--
In [2]. Why 'dusk there is' instead of 'dusk is there' ?
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In [3], can mukhtasar be interpreted as 'end' ? It' a very difficult line to translate. I couldn't think of an alternate translation.
--
A very good job Siyaah. Preserving the Ghazal form in English is quite a task, I must say.
Absolutely brilliant.
Such a good job; will wait for more poems form you.
I also try to translate some…will share later.
A few modifications from my side:
Cypresses and Jasmines, waves of pleasant breeze of the dawn- all there is;
O blossom, in your garden, one with a moist-eye in there? [1]
Drink on for a while, in the shades of the tresses and visage;
The magic of dusk is there, the enchantment of dawn there is [2]
If the world listens, this tale of woe is lengthy indeed;
Yes, if it is you who would listen, then a culmination to this tale of woe there is. [3]
Now, Jazbi, in the poetic world of Hind, after Jigar
I wonder if any one as perceptive – if at all there is [4]
In [3] Arfi, do you think mukhtasar in this context can be culmination?
Arfi: All good points...I took some poetic liberties I guess...too lazy to change anything now...it has taken a life of its own just by being there...but thanks, your comments help one see how it can always be improved further...
Tap: Thanks!
Naveed: Thanks for visiting and look forward to more of your thoughts...
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