Barson baad mile hain aise
Ek pal bhi beeta na ho jaise
Kya samjhen is haalat ko ab
Sab paaya sab khoya jaise
Wo paakeezgi ke do lamhe
Aur ek umr azaab ki jaise
Tab ye gham tha tumko khoya
Ab samjha do jahaan kho diye kaise
[work in progress...by Siyaah]
Thinking of adding another matla (opening couplet) [Jigar Moradabadi sometimes has two matlas...would be interesting to explore this tradition more]
Gunaah-gunaah mein farq hai aise
Tum - aur baaqi duniya jaise...
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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.
On the poetic sensibility, in its many manifestations
About Me
- Siyaah
- "Fard-e-amal Siyaah kiye ja raha hoon main, Rahmat ko bepanaah kiye ja raha hoon main": Blackening life's canvas of deeds to the extreme, It is I who expand divine compassion to the limitless.
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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.
8 comments:
aaj dil khol ke roye hain to yuuN Khush hai 'Faraz'
chand lamhon kii ye raahat bhii baDii ho jaise.
- Ahmed Faraz.
Keyur: Wow, hadn't heard that one before- fits exactly what I was trying to say in short and simple words...thanks for sharing!
Barson baad soch rahe hain
abhi tak zinda bhi hain kaise
Hey! I usually like your posts, especially your taste in urdu poetry is great. Dont mind me commenting on this poem of yours. But I think positive criticism will help you improve.
It would have been nice if you had taken care of radeef and qafia. End all the shers with the same word - 'jaise' and the end syllable of each word before 'jaise' should be the same (e.g. ho jaise, ko jaise, wo jaise OR (kho)ya jaise, (un)ka jaise, (hi) tha jaise). Also the second line of the last sher is not in meter.
Nice try though. Keep it up! And all the best! :)
Anon:
Thanks for such a deep interest, and for taking the time to comment. You're right on all counts :) . Technically, it's all over the place...posted it for a different reason...wanted to save the content ideas as a placeholder here...maybe one day will be able to refine it.
Look forward to your comments for improvement on the future ones :)
Phoenix:
Interesting twist!
loved the last two lines...
Kayal: Thanks! My fav lines too, in this post.
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