Is dard se nejaat paaun to kaise
Waapas ab us duniya mein jaaun to kaise... [1]
Abhi tak tumhaara khwaab meri aankhon mein hai
Main apna sab kuchh chhorh jaaun to kaise...
Main khush hoon bohot, pareshaan hoon bohot
Apni haalat tumhein samjhaaun to kaise...
Main kuchh bhi sochun tum aa jaate ho khayaalon mein
Khayaalon ke is jaal ko ab suljhaaun to kaise...
Tumhi the chaand, tumhi suraj, tumhi taaron ka falak
Din raat main ab apne bachaaun to kaise... [5]
Tum aaye the to yaad aaya tha ke zindaa hoon main
Ab zindagi ke mai'ne phir se bhulaaun to kaise...
Khushiyon ki horh mein hai har koi mubtelaa
Kamzarfon ko gham apne dikhaaun to kaise... [7]
Lo kehne laga phir se kuchh sher Siyaah
Ab hosh mein main aaun to kaise... [8]
[by Siyaah]
[1]nejaat: escape, to become free of (especially hardships)
[5]falak: celestial sphere, sky, also used for orbit, which gives this couplet a nice touch with reference to day and night in the second verse
[7]mubtelaa: deeply involved, especially in misfortune, misery, difficulties...thus bringing out the irony here with 'khushiyon ki...'
kamzarf: literally, those with less wit, capability, elegance, beauty
[8] Siyaah is used here as a takhallus, and could also be read as a characteristic of the sher...both interpretations connect to the last verse.
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17 comments:
Khushiyon ki horh mein hai har koi mubtelaa
Kamzarfon ko gham apne dikhaaun to kaise...
I know this feeling, I think I do! :)
Awesome.. really. In simple words you've captured some subtle sentiments, and didn't allow any kind of drama to ruin that subtlety (which is what I did, to my dislike, in some of my poems)
Would love to read more of your works..
Superb! I was very touched by each of the couplets...the "din-raat bachaun to kaise" couplet was awesome!
The second last couplet is my favorite...
wah wah -
bohat khoob!
I am a singer and an avid audioblogger too. I also do some composing just for my passion. Would definitely like to give musical life to some of your creations if possible. We have a big audioblogworld where we do such creative activities.You are immensely talented!
this is one such song which we did for fun :-)
http://www.pradipsomasundaran.com/blogswara/haimera-192.mp3
arfi: thanks! not surprised you know this feeling!
vik: thanks for the kind words...i enjoy playing with the more simple words - its tough to write on sublte sentiments without ruining it though.
tapasya: thanks for the encouragement. yes, those are two couplets that i thought came out alright...the second last one would be a favorite with poets it seems...
raza: great to see you here, and thanks for the appreciation!
pradip: thanks for visiting. I think you run a terrific blog and are doing a great job encouraging others in the world of music and audioblogging. As you would have noticed, this blog started out being mostly about interpresting and translating works by others, mostly well known Urdu poets. But I have started posting a little bit of my own stuff now and then, and will post more in the future.
Enjoyed listening to the haime link...great job!
If you would like to try a music composition for any of these works...you're most welcome! Thanks for the encouragement.
I like the way 'siyaah' blends in as an adjective too :)
I have a doubt whether it should be taaron ki falak or taaro.n ka falak. i believe its the latter as falak is masculine. Just confirm it with someone who is better at urdu than me :)
I like the twist in the next line.. din raat mai.n apne bachaau.n to kaise :) Nice Siyaah!
illusionist: yes, using siyaah as takhallus is going to be interesting. incidentally, that last couplet can be read with the poet siyaah thought of either in the third person, or in the first person...
thanks for checking on the 'falak'...i do need ppl checking up on the nuances...seems it is used as feminine (with 'ki' refering to it rather than 'ka'), as in:
"Ham tujhse kis hawas ki falak justjoo kare,
Dil hi nahi raha hai jo kuchh aarzoo kare" - Khwaja Mir Dard.
"gor kis diljale ki hai ye falak,
shola ik subha yaan se uthta hai" -Mir Taqi Mir
nice...........loved it...
xSiyaah:
In the first case, the 'ki' is applied to the hawas. the falak is being addressed as in (the translation would roughly be) "of which desire, o sky,...". in case u substitute the falak here with a known masculine word the "ki" would still remain.
In the second case the "ki" applies to the "gor" (tomb).as in "kis diljale ki gor hai, ye falak"
Here are some examples where the gender is used for the falak
zamii.n us kii, falak us kaa, qaayanaat us kii
kuchh aisaa ishq teraa Khaanamaa_Kharaab nahii.n
--Firaq Gorakhpuri
falak, ai kaash! hamako Khaak hii rakhataa, ki us me.n ham
Gubaar-e-raah hote yaa kisii kii Khaak-e-paa hote
(here khaak is feminine and rakhtaa is applied to the falak)
-Mir Taqi Mir
cheers
Sadia
Long time no updates!!!
illusionist:
thanks for the painstaking work. am glad i'm posting these here and have an audience that helps pick such things. From what you said, it definitely looks like it should be read as 'ka'.
terre jaane ka
kuch aisa asar hua mujhe pe
ki tujhko dhundte dhundte
khud ko paa gya
ur wk is truly out of dis wrld...
i just love it!!lbmpln
My feeling is you are trying to be correct when you should be as incorrect as possible.
Why Waapas ab us duniya?- I know people talk like this now- as though mangling own mother tongue is a proof that one is 'educated' 'secular' and so on- but, even in English poetry, people have to get rid of the 'Bureaucratic-Technocratic' mindset and write in more ambiguous, but also more idiomatic terms.
Why so many pronouns? Abh tak tera khwaab aankhon pe hai (you are not doing an Exam) Once you write like this you will yourself see that the second line is not worthy. Kare sab kuchh hamen qurban to kaise?
Poetry has to be interesting- things sacrifice you, you don't sacrifice things unless you're writing a letter to your Mum or something.
If the other person is tum how are you aap? You use hum, because- in this context you are Everyman.
What is the connection between having her dream in the eyes and not knowing how to leave all you have?
Why not 'us duniya wapas jaaun to kaise'
Why say- main kuchh bhi sochoon? why not 'khair kuch bhi sochun aa jaate ho tu khayalon mein/ Is jalal-o-jamal jaal suljaaun to kaise.
In Ghazal jalal and jamal are two aspects of God- viz horrendous power to punish and all Merciful Beauty.
Better than bachaaun is bichaaun. You don't want to save your days and nights from her Sun and Stars. You just don't know how to roll out your mat of nights and days so as to remain under her gaze.
The same 'salt & pepper' is needed- to my taste in every line. Why 'zindaa' when the word zindan is more poetic. Tu aaye to aaya yaad hum zindaan main hai/Ab zindagi hai zikr bhulaaun to kaise?
Just recently, I've begun to read about Al Rummani's theory of tadmin (tazmin) and to recall- ijaz- brevity gains balagha (eloquence) when there is an irregular preposition for tadmin words (i.e. those with implicative meaning).
One must forget grammar- which is fine for bureaucratic/technical tasks- when it comes to poetry. If you write zindagi- it may be your real meaning is zindaangi- you have to break your bureaucratic mindset before you know what you yourself mean.
Best wishes
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